Here
are other suggestions to help Re-Discover Joy in the Holidays when
grieving:
1.
Remember, traditions are made for people, not people for traditions.
Consider changing a tradition or not doing it at all if is now
uncomfortable or no longer fits. If you want to keep some of the
tradition, throw out, “because we’ve always done it that way" in
lieu of finding a way to incorporate the memories and the feelings of the
loss into the tradition. Include family or significant others in the
decision-making process to help modify the tradition and yet still provide
it, say for the children. Can Christmas be at a restaurant this year, or
over at another’s house?
2.
If you don’t feel like celebrating, don’t. But don’t try and
ignore the holidays either. Create your own way of experiencing the
day if you don’t wish to celebrate.
3.
Get plenty of rest. Don’t push yourself. Grief itself is
a stressor and many report difficulty sleeping. Nurture yourself
during this time, knowing this will be hard.
4.
Recognize that worship services may be difficult. With death,
it may be difficult to go to the place of worship especially if that is
where the funeral / memorial service was held. If it is important to
try and attend, give yourself permission to leave if it starts to feel too
much. For some, just getting in the doors may be enough. For
others, maybe calling a pastor or clergy member may be helpful. Anger
and questioning in spiritual or religious beliefs is common. Seek out
guidance if you are inclined or allow yourself time.
5.
Be careful not to spend your grief away or
eat your grief away. At a time when the focus is on buying gifts and
on family and social holiday gatherings, be careful to not seep your grief into trying to buy your way out of it.
As equally problematic is trying to find comfort through food.
Distinguish these from nurturing yourself and do indeed, find ways to
pamper and nurture yourself with out over-indulging.
6.
Volunteering time with the homeless or other causes can help fill the
time void and find a way to reach out to others without the traditional
commitments. If you like, donate your time in honor of your deceased
loved one or in response to your loss.
7.
If you are grieving a death, take time to visit to the cemetery or
find other ways to memorialize the lost loved one. Plan
activities to address the memory of your loved one. Use the
name of this person. Talk about the person. While you may fear
doing so may bring up pain, and may in fact do so, often sharing stories,
using the person's name, acknowledging the absence, will free you up to be
present with each other and with yourself. You are including the
person through memory, not trying to ignore the person's absence.
This enables a much more real opportunity for healing and growth for
all.
8.
Be around those that understand your grief and allow you to
experience it. Avoid those who use platitudes and inconsiderate
remarks to deal with their own discomfort. Excuse yourself from
gatherings that you really rather not go to.
9.
Develop some plan for the holidays. Don’t let them just “sneak
up” in order to avoid the day. Be intentional.
10.
If you feel like having fun and find yourself laughing, don’t berate
yourself. Have fun. Laugh if that be the case. You are
not “forgetting” or ignoring, you are, in fact, living.
11.
Allow yourself to feel. If you need to, allow yourself to cry, daily
if that is what you have to. Allow yourself
to remember and miss. Time limit these and when the egg-timer or
alarm goes off, wash your face, take three deep breaths and go on with
other activities, knowing that tomorrow you will have time again to grieve.
This is intentional grieving. This is learning that you can
have power over your feelings and not feel so overwhelmed. And this
is allowing yourself to grieve your loss and work towards healing.
When we
spend our time acknowledging the pain, we give up the struggle of keeping
the pain out. When we allow ourselves to embrace the pain as well
as the memories, we stop trying to hide. When we start to let go
of the rigidity of the way we have done things in the past and allow
ourselves to develop new ways which incorporate the memories as well as the
pain instead of ignoring them, then we are open to the experiences of the
present.
Wishing
you a most honored Holiday Season!
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